Kristy Maute

My 34th Year

I have sat down several times trying to articulate my goals for my 34th year. Nothing has felt right yet. I don’t want a list. I don’t want an obligation. I want laughter and a light heart. I want the courage to show up to the start line (of all aspects of life) knowing I’m good enough, strong enough, and bad ass enough to make it happen. I don’t want ego, but I do want the confidence to boldly walk my own path without justifying or down playing my intentions. I want to feel myself open to the world. I want to say “this is me” and “I really like me.” Being bold is scary. Being brave is scary.

Maybe I’m taking the task of writing down my wishes for my 34th year a little too serious. Maybe that’s the point of not being able to write them down. Instead of writing it, I need to live it. Maybe I just need to show up, let the world see me, let the world hear my laughter, and know that I’m living my life with my whole heart.

Here’s to a great year of life! Here’s to living!

Sunrise on the day of my birth!

Breathing Room, March Edition

In so many way, March has felt like a month of celebration. My to-do lists and house check lists took a back seat this month. Very few household projects were tackled. The mounds of laundry in our bedroom found a home, and the back yard got a much need cleaning. Old bushes were removed and we now have a clean slate for future summer projects. This month wasn’t about all the small projects because we are gradually making progress. The small steps forwards have lifted so much stress off our daily life. In the places stress used to linger, laughter is taking over.

This month was filled with family days at the beach, more snow days spent inside, date nights with my favorite friends, and enjoying Shamrock Marathon weekend as a family. It was filled with family dance parties. It was filled with birthday celebrations.

The more we remove the physical stresses around us and the emotional stress we put on ourselves, the more room we make for living life with a light heart.

February Edition

January Edition

Sunday Salad: Southwestern Grilled Sweet Potato Salad

Sure, it’s raining! Sure, it’s windy! Sure, it’s cold! But my husband loves to grill (seriously, we use it every night), and I’ve been craving this salad since I pinned it on Pinterest.

The recipe originally appeared on Two Peas & Their Pod

ingredients:
4 medium sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 3/4 inch slices
1 tablespoon olive oil (I used coconut oil)
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 ear sweet corn, husked (I used canned corn since it’s not in season yet)
1 (15 oz) can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 red pepper, diced
2 green onions, chopped
1/2 cup chopped cilantro
2 avocados, pit and skin removed, chopped
Juice of 2 limes
Salt and pepper, to taste

directions:
1. In a large bowl, toss the sweet potato slices with olive oil. Season with salt and pepper. Place the sweet potatoes on a grill over medium heat. Cook until tender, about 8-10 minutes on each side. When the sweet potatoes are close to being done, place the ear of corn on the grill and cook for 3-4 minutes, rotating so the kernels get slightly charred. Let the sweet potatoes and corn cool to room temperature.

2. Cut the sweet potatoes into cubes and place in a large bowl. With a sharp knife, remove the corn kernels from the cob. Add the corn to the bowl. Stir in black beans, red pepper, green onions, cilantro, and avocado. Squeeze the lime juice over the salad and stir until combined. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Serve.

This was AMAZING! It was the perfect taste of summer on this dreary spring day. We served it with grilled barbecue chicken.

If you invite me to a summer cookout, I can promise you, this is what I will be bringing with me! I’m already looking forward to eating leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Like the Sun she Shines, Running Edition

Life reflects running. Running reflects life. I’m not sure who stared at who first, but either way, running and life are always a perfect reflection of each other.

Just as soon as I identified the ego that had creeped into my daily life, I had a great afternoon run to remind me that there is no room for ego in running either.

Running task: 10 minute warmup, 5×1 minute intervals with 1 minute recovery, 10 minute cool down

Goal: Ignore my garmin. Don’t force the pace. Let the run happen.

This is exactly what I did. I set up the intervals on my garmin, and I let the beep of each interval guide me. During each minute interval, I let my body open. I felt my hips open up. I felt my stride lengthen. When my watch beeped again, I let my body settle. I recovered. I never looked at my watch. I didn’t let an average pace determine if I was fast enough or slow enough. I didn’t let a self-imposed expectation determine if the run was a success or a failure. When I finished the work out, my body felt alive. I was smiling. I had just worked hard. I honored and accepted what my body had to offer in that very moment.

I didn’t look at my garmin at all until I sat down to email my running coach. I emailed the details of the run not knowing or caring if they were “good” or “bad”. It was my ego that wanted a label. My ego wanted to label the run “good” or “bad”. Not looking at my watch during the run allowed me to avoid the trap set by my ego. It allowed me to experience the run instead of defining it. The run didn’t need a label. I already knew it was a successful run. The run just felt right.

“When you don’t cover up the world with words or labels, a sense of miraculous returns to your life that was lost a long time ago when humanity, instead of using thought, became possessed by thought. A depth returns to your life. Thing regain their newness, their freshness. And the greatest miracle is the experiencing of your essential self as prior to any words, thoughts, mental labels, and images.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I just ran.

I often get asked why I wanted to be faster? Why do I want to chase down the rather large goal of qualifying for Boston? I don’t have a simple answer for these questions. My goals for 2014 running are big. I am looking to take 14 minutes off of my half marathon personal record. I’m not doing it for the time on the race clock or to put a check in a box. I’m doing it to honor the tiny whisper in my heart that tells me I am capable. I’m doing it because it feels good to see a goal on paper that is impossible right now knowing that I can work hard, that I can be disciplined, and that I can honor my body to make that goal a reality.

“There was some kind of connection between the capacity to love and the capacity to love *running*. The engineering was certainly the same: both depended on loosening your grip on your own desires, putting aside what you wanted and appreciating what you’ve got, being patient and forgiving and… undemanding…maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that getting better at one could make you better at the other.” ~Chris McDougall

I set these goals because they help me experience my essential self. These goals, my running, all of it translates to living my life with a whole heart.

Around mile 23 at the Richmond Marathon, 2013

Like the sun she shines

I arrived at our coffee date at the exact same time as Heidi. We ordered and sat down. Before I could take a bite of my bagel, she instructed me to stop. She shoved a bag in my face. She exclaimed “happy early birthday!”. What was inside the bag made me cry. It was a hand painted canvas of the quote I hold near and dear to my heart.

“With brave wings she flies”

And she added to it. She add five words that made it even more perfect for me. Like the sun she shines.

*******

On a Monday morning in January, I sat in my car with tears streaming down my face. It was the eve of the anniversary of my aunt’s death. The sadness clung to me. In the sadness, I felt all the empty spaces that the year had left wide open. I felt the wounds. I felt every inch of my life that I had guard myself from experiencing. I missed my aunt. And in the very next breath, I missed my friend.

Last year was a tough year for Heidi and I’s friendship. It was one of the empty spaces in my life. For whatever reasons, different goals, different directions, different insecurities, our friendship fell flat. As I cried tears for my aunt, I reached out to my friend. I told her I missed her. Throughout the year we supported each other. We cheered each other on. We had coffee. But something had changed. We both became guarded. We were protecting ourselves. The moment I reached out, the moment I finally acknowledge the direction our friendship was headed, my heart healed.

We needed, I needed, that moment of vulnerability to help me remove the armor I had used to protect myself.

*******

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein

The return of her friendship has also felt like the return of me. If I had guarded myself from one of my dearest friends, I knew I had guarded my heart from the world. I knew I had lost sight of some of the very small details in life that are authentically me.

Since that day in January, I keep returning to the lesson hidden in the folds of last year and that Monday morning. Am I being authentic to who I am as a person? Am I honoring myself, the people I adore, and the life that I have created? Or am I guarding myself?

In these self reflections the word ego keeps ringing in my ears. The books I’m reading keep returning to this subject. My daily interactions keep shining light on this one word.

A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.~Eckhart Tolle

*******

On Friday I will celebrate my 34th birthday. My birthday week has always been a time for me to focus on goals and life direction. It’s a time of celebration and a time of investing into my life.

As a sat across from Heidi today with the early birthday gift in my hands, my heart felt full. I knew what giving this gift meant to her. I knew she stepped outside of herself, she let down her guard, she gave up on the idea of perfect, and she created something for me that is a true reflection of who I am. This is what we were missing last year. This is what I was missing last year. I was consumed by my grief, my marathons, and my life that I got caught up in the my.

“In normal everyday usage, ‘I’ embodies the primordial error, a misperception of who you are, an illusory sense of self is what Albert Einstein, who had deep insights not only into the reality of space and time but also human nature, referred to as ‘an optical illusion of consciousness.’ That illusory self then becomes the basis for all further interpretations, or rather misinterpretations of reality, all thought processes, interactions, and relationships. Your reality becomes a reflection of the original illusion.” ~Eckhart Tolle

This year, the year I celebrate 34 years of life, I’m focusing on letting life be. I’m focusing not on myself but on my spirit. I’m focusing on what gift I can give to the world. I’m focusing on how I contribute to a world that is much larger than me.

This year, it’s going to be a great year.