Kristy Maute

Wrapping up Marathon Training

Just like that, marathon training has come to an end. For twenty weeks I’ve been training for this race. For two and half years I’ve been dreaming about crossing the finish line with 26.2 miles behind me. And now it is just about over. I’m feeling sad about this chapter of my life coming to an end this evening. I have heard all the clichés about marathon running, but now I understand them all.

The marathon is the cherry on top: True.

It’s really about the journey of getting to race day: True

Yesterday I completed my last long run before race day. Eight miles. Those eight miles taught me so much about where I need to be mentally on race day. They also taught me much more about where I needed to be with my running. When my watched beeped for mile 1, I looked down and saw my pace. 9:13. Oh dear, I went out too fast. I told myself it would be good practice for race day. Although I am normally really good at starting slow on my runs, race day excitement can get the best of me. I could start fast. I need to know how to recover during a run in case I do. I told myself to slow down and get comfortable.

Mile 2. 9:19. Not slow enough. Slow down. Mile 3. 9:27. Much better. Now just hang on.

Mile three wasn’t a great mile. It felt very forced. My legs couldn’t find a natural stride. So I decided to quit focusing on slowing down, and I instead focused on finding comfort in my legs.

Mile 4. 9:20. Mile 5. 9:17. Mile 6. 9:17. Hmm. Maybe I can still finish faster than I started. Mile 7. 9:16. Mile 8. 8:59.

8.07 miles in 1:14:42 (9:16 pace)

As I drove home from my run, I realized I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. I knew I could run 8 miles that fast, I just didn’t think I was there yet. I have some future running goals for post marathon running. A sub 25 minute 5k and a sub 2 hour half marathon are on that list. I thought they were still out of reach. They are really closer than I realize. I know I haven’t come close to finding my potential with running just yet. This run helped peel off another layer of self-doubt. What great timing for shedding layers of doubt. It’s funny how we create our own truths. I have/had myself convinced that I’m not a faster runner anymore. My days of fast running were hidden in high school before my legs held titanium rods and screws. Those fast days existed before babies. I’m on a mission to create a new truth for myself.

Six days and a walk-up until race day. I’m stalking the weather and over analyzing every thing I can control about race day. I’m making goals and not making goals. Stay tuned for more. My brain is officially consumed by marathon thoughts.

Babble

There is a lot of babbling going on in our house lately.

Marathon Babble: With only 10 days and a wake up until my race, my brain can’t think much further than running.

Baby Babble: Chet’s talking up a storm. He’s saying more than just mama and ball. Ball actually has a “L” sound at the end of it now.

Beer/Bike/Surf Babble: Can anyone guess who this belongs to? If you don’t know my husband, follow him on instagram and you’ll know more about beer than you had ever thought there was to know (seriously – morebeersthangears).

And Eight Year Old Babble. It’s the thought process of my too smart, too creative, too emotional, too scientific eight year old that has really caught my attention lately. It is his babble that has made me step back from my marathon babble and forced me to think beyond the world of running.

Christian, how old were you when you had your first girlfriend?

Cole is starting to take notice. He is noticing the cute strawberry blonde who sits across from him at school. He notices when she stares at him. He was aware when she gave him two valentines at school instead of one. He is noticing flirty behaviors between other classmates. He wants to know why I love Christian and why Christian loves me. He wants to know how old we were when we went on a first date and had our first kiss. He is noticing girls on television. He is too aware of sexy commercials and music on the radio. He giggles uncomfortably.

Whenever he talks about this, I stop what I’m doing. I listen. I let him talk. I ask what he wants to know, and I answer his questions. I hope he will always talk to me about girls and all the things he is noticing. Creating this dialogue now is a priority for me. I want him to keep babbling.

Mom, Do you believe in God? Do you believe in Heaven?

Cole has a naturally inquisitive mind. He loves to understand things. We are not a religious family by definition of religion. We do not believe in church. We do believe in love, values, and ethics. Cole is curious. He wants to know what happens in church since some of his friends attend on weekends. We have offered to take him. He is studying the history of Rome and Greece. He wants to know about their Gods and their belief systems. We have read book after book about Greek Gods. He has created his own Gods to celebrate the things that he loves. He wants to know what people believe in other cultures, other time periods, and on the other side of the world. We have read books on all the religions in the world.

Cole is babbling a lot about religion. I do not want to give him answers. I want him to find his own way. I want him to believe what feels right for him. If he wants to attend church, I will take him. If he wants to mediate before bed, I will provide an environment that allows this to happen. If he changes his mind every week, I will do my best to provide knowledge on any subject related to his questions. I do not believe there is a right or a wrong answer for any of these questions. The only answer Cole needs is an answer he creates for himself.

Look up at the sky. Say hi to your mom. Say hi to your dad. Did you know the universe is our parent?

Cole’s television channel of choice is the science channel. I do not watch these programs with him. Too be honest, I don’t even know what he watches. He loves it. Maybe I should monitor what he is watching, but I don’t. He is learning. He is using his brain. He is absorbing knowledge on his own that has him engaged. This makes me happy. This comment was made to Christian after he watched some show that I don’t know the title of (but maybe I should).

While we are busy talking about girls and talking about religion, I think Cole needs a space that is just his. I think he needs a space where he can tune out or tune in to whatever his brain wants to absorb. I don’t plan on joining him when he is watching the science channel. I want to give him a safe space to think freely.

While I’m busy daydreaming about race day, Chet is dreaming about milk and balls, and Christian is dreaming about beer, bikes, and surfing, Cole is busy dreaming about his place in this world. He is busy defining his own reality where he can comfortably exist. He’s establishing his value system. He’s trying to make sense of why the world works. He’s searching for connections with people.

Perhaps my eight year old is a dreamer just like the rest of us. His babbles are his dreams out loud. He wants to understand love, he wants experience love, and he wants to know why it all exists.

Tapering

This weekend’s run included 12 miles of tapering. I’m in disbelief that I’ve made it this far. I knew I could. I knew I wanted it. Actually arriving at this place, these last few weeks of preparation for the marathon, feels surreal.

Getting injured during my first attempt in 2011 has made this race mean so much more. My appreciation for what I’ve asked my body to do is deeper. The realizations are bigger. The miles needed to train for a marathon are a lot. I have a much deeper respect for the process. I respect my body more. The sacrifices my husband and family have made haven’t gone unnoticed.

I am truly grateful.

My favorite neighborhood tree - two cedars merged together as one. Rooted together. — My favorite neighborhood tree – two cedars merged together as one. Rooted together.

This overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my body and for the support of my family has also brought another realization. Race day really is a celebration of what I have already accomplished. It really is about showing up on race day. I want to run a happy race. I want to smile the whole way – through the hard miles, through the miles I think I can’t, and through the miles I wonder why.

I’m not delusional. I know race day is going to be hard. I’m anticipating a much harder race than any of my training runs (and both 17 milers were rough!), but I know I’m ready. I’ve trained for this race twice. Coming back from an injury is hard. Running through pregnancy was hard. Having a baby without pain medication was hard. Surviving the first year of my high-needs baby’s life was hard. Not sleeping for a year was hard. The reward at the end of each of these journeys surpassed all my expectations. I know race day will amaze me by what it gives back once I get passed the fact that it is hard.

12.02 miles in 1:55:50 (9:38 pace)

I am ready to celebrate. The countdown to race day continues…

13 days!

Circles

The yoga studio was full. Yoga mat after yoga mat were lined up down each side of the room. We all sat facing each other. I was tucked neatly into the back corner quietly waiting for class to start. Just before the door was pulled shut, one more student came into the room. She unrolled her mat down the center of room perpendicular to all the other mats. Her mat was just inches from my mat. I smiled when she glanced in my direction. She looked and quickly turned away.

Slowly we moved through each pose. Each stretch become deeper. I was flooded by the energy of the girl sitting perpendicularly in a room of parallel mats. Every stretch she moved through seemed to have an exclamation point at the end. This was a yin class. Even a period would have seemed too loud. I could not find a space in that room to breathe.

There is a lesson here I said to myself between inhales and exhales. So often in life I can let the energy of other people overflow into my life. I needed to find a place where I could peacefully coexist with this girl I knew nothing about except she was overwhelming to me. I need to learn to shine even when there is a spotlight in the room.

*******

Sunday mornings while Chet is napping I love to unroll my yoga mat in front of our living room window. I put my favorite blissology DVD in the player. It’s my favorite loving-kindness meditative practice.

May you be filled with loving-kindness.

May you be well.

May you be peaceful and at ease.

May you be happy.

The practice begins with the core. Each sun salutation is dedicated to yourself. It then ripples out from there. The circles become wider, bigger, and broader. The ripples include loved ones, acquaintances, familiar faces, strangers, and confrontational people. I love this practice. I love focusing on these circles I’ve created in my life.

There is something about this chapter of my life – is it my 30s? marathon training? contentment? motherhood? true love? – that has me taking inventory of everything that is around me. I’ve been blessed with wonderful friendships. I have friends that have crossed into all chapters of my life. I have friends that were only a part of my life momentary when I so desperately needed them. New friends are showing up that are helping root me deeper to my life. With every change, the connection between each relationship is strengthened.

With each interaction, with each sun salutation, I’m finding myself wondering so many things. Why this person? Why now? What am I giving? What am I taking away from the relationship? I find myself wanting to share the loving-kindness that is inside of me with everyone I encounter. How can I bring more happiness to my journey? The more I give of myself, the more I feel myself shining.

*******

Tonight I returned to that same yin yoga class. There was a new teacher and the same girl with the perpendicular mat (except tonight she was parallel to everyone else in the room). The practice was wonderful. The teacher was wonderful. She was very hands on. During saddle pose, a gentle touch to my core allowed me to pull in my lower rib cage. I found an entire new space in my torso. During dragon pose, she applied pressure to my hips with her knees. My spine immediately found length.

It’s amazing how a simple touch from someone can allow you to find new space in yourself.

*******

I walked away from class with a new clear understanding. This is how I want to structure my life: small touches that can allow space for others to breathe. I’m creating circles that are filled with friends, family, and strangers. The core of each of these circles is the same principle: loving kindness. With every interaction, with each touch, I am finding more space inside of me. As these circles grow in strength, the straight lines (both parallel and perpendicular) won’t be able to invade my life with negative energy. I’m finding my way to let my light shine. I’m finding my way to continue to share the loving kindness I want in my own life.

Should I?

As I called it quits at mile 17 in my planned 20+ mile route yesterday, I had a blog post written in my head. The story started as I walked out the door to attempt my last long run for this season of marathon training and it ended in defeat as I got a ride home. I was sad. I was disappointed in myself and my run. I wanted it to be better.

*******

As I laced up my running shoes, I had so much anxiety about my run. Was my body ready for this run after I couldn’t even find the energy to get off the couch two days prior? Three days prior I was throwing up and making multiple trips to the bathroom each hour. I hadn’t eaten a real meal with the exception of dinner on Sunday night in three days. Should I be doing this?

One mile in everything felt sluggish. I know my body, and I know it normally takes at least 3 miles to feel good. I kept going. At mile five, I took a break. My body felt completely detached from my brain. My legs felt good. My mind was engaged. I just couldn’t find anything to push myself forward. I called my husband. Should I be doing this? Should I turn around? He responded with the only answer I was willing to hear. Do whatever it is you need to do so you don’t regret it tomorrow. I kept going. I’d reassess at mile 10.

At mile 10 I was desperate for a nap. Having an out of body running experience is a strange thing to go through when you are committed to running 20+ miles. I had selected a big loop through the city. Now that I was 10 miles out, I was 10 miles away from my house too. My muscles weren’t fatigued. Mentally I felt great. I was just out of gas.

I kept going. At mile 16, I realized I that this was probably a stupid idea. I had already run 20 miles. Less than three weeks from race day, I probably should be focused on my overall health instead of building mileage in my legs. At mile 17, my stomach decided it had enough of me running. I threw up what little there was to throw up. I was still at least 3 miles from home, but I was right down the street from my mother-in-law. She came to my rescue and drove me home.

I was mad. I was angry. Should I have kept going? Should I have finished the run? I know I could have made myself keep going. My legs weren’t even tired yet. Did I mentally give in? It was so easy to question my decision in my warm house with food in my stomach after a warm shower (I even skipped my ice bath). Maybe this marathon is bigger than me?

*******

And then my dear friend Amanda came to my rescue:

DON’T! Don’t you dare go to that place of doubt! You were sick! Let your body heal…Rest. Rest. Rest!!! Taper time = baby yourself! Easy runs, plenty of rest, good eats and NO DOUBTING! Your foundation in running is strong! Remember that!

Those words sent to me from Michigan via Instagram stopped me in my tracks. I was heading straight down the path to doubt. I turned around and ran back in the other direction. I reminded myself of the awesome 13 I ran the weekend before. I reminded myself of the 20 I ran the weekend before that. My training was already set before this run.

This 17 mile run, it did have it’s very own story to tell me. It wasn’t the story of doubt I was creating in my head. It was a story of doing something when I probably shouldn’t. I ran 17 miles less than 48 hours after having a horrible virus attack our household. I was dehydrated. I was undernourished. It wasn’t smart, but I need every single one of those 17 miles. I just didn’t need 20.

*******

In 18 days I will run 26.2 miles. If I listen to all the reason why I shouldn’t, I’d never leave my house. I needed those 17 miles to remind me of that. Another wonderful friend reminded me mid-run that I needed those miles to make my marathon feel good. I really think I needed those 17 miles to make my entire training season feel good.

17 miles in 2:58 ish, 10:30 pace (this is rough estimate because I forgot to reset my garmin for just shy of a mile after my 5 mile break)

Today, after a good nights rest and a very good dinner, I know I’m ready for my marathon. My legs are prepared for high mileage. They aren’t even tired today. My brain is ready for whatever challenges it creates on race day. I’ve ditched the doubt. It is officially time to taper…