Kristy Maute

I am Showing Up.

When I first started this blog, I was finding myself. I was finding the space inside me that felt alive, aware, present, and comfortable. I was blooming. I was learning to love myself a little bit more and a little bit better.

Life provided me the most wonderful pause button when I discovered that I was pregnant. In the 41 weeks and 4 days I was pregnant, life stood still. I was no longer just me. I was the home to my growing baby. My body, my mind, my hormones – I wanted them to belong to him. I know for some women this thought process wouldn’t work, but it was the only way I knew how to be pregnant. Everything I did, every choice I made, I made for my baby.

After Chet joined us in the world, I wasn’t surprised when I felt off-balance. Physically off-balance. Mentally off-balance. Hormonally off-balance. While Chet was learning about the world, I was rediscovering my new world and my new self right along side him.

I often think back to the time after I had Cole. I felt lost. I wish I could go back and hug the 24-year-old me. I wish I could tell her to breathe. I wish she trusted that it would all be okay. I wish I could tell her she isn’t lost, she is discovering – everything she is learning will add a layer of happiness and appreciation to her life.

As Chet grows and I move beyond pregnancy and life with a newborn, I don’t feel lost this time but I do feel like I’m still discovering. Every time I find my yoga mat, my mala beads, my running shoes – Every time I kiss my boys good night and smile good morning – Every time we sit down at the dinner table – Every baseball game – Every baby milestone – and all the busy and messy details in between (including the ugly) –

I am showing up.

Today I had time for a quick 2 mile run. Since returning to running postbaby, I have run up and over the rudee inlet bridge several times. It always gets me on the return trip. I’ve never made it back up without taking a walk break. Today I choose that route again. No matter what, I wasn’t walking. I was getting back over on my second pass. I set off and found my comfortable pace. I didn’t care how fast I ran. I just wanted to run over the bridge twice without walking. A half mile in I glanced at my watch. 9:30. That was my comfortable pace? (Mental note: Thank Heidi for letting me push her daughter yesterday into the wind! Thank Rachael for making me maintain a 10 minute mile pace!). I soon found myself on the other side of the bridge approaching 1 mile.

walk4 — View from the bridge – borrowed from a walk when I was pregnant

Mile 1: 9:14

Back to the bridge I headed. I kept repeating: Every step is making you stronger. You are stronger. Less than two months ago, you were THRILLED to maintain at 10:22 pace on this exact same run. You just ran a 9:14 minute mile. You are stronger. Run faster mile 2. You are stronger.

Mile 2: 9:04

And the final stretch to the car – I held on. I wanted to stay strong.

Final .25: 8:45 pace

On March 16th, I ran this exact same run. I ran 2.1 miles in 21:45 (10:22 pace). Today I ran 2.25 miles in 20:30 (9:07 pace). That is a 1 minute 15 second difference in less than 2 months. Not only did I run up and over the bridge (a big deal to me right now), but I did it at a pace I never thought I would run today. Every step is making me stronger.

I am showing up.

In life and in running, I’m focusing on form. I’m holding my head up high. I’m filtering out the unneccessary. I’m choosing to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me. I’m getting rid of the should-haves and past regrets (even though I still wish I could hug the 24-year-old me). I’m immersing myself in the things that bring breath to my life.

Every day I am becoming me. It feels like a smile. Every day I know I am a me that I love. I love this journey. I love this life. As I continue to learn to let go off the details in life (thank you baby boy for this wonderful life lesson!), I’m learning how important it is for me to show up and live my life – the life that is in front of me. I have so many bridges to run over.

my finish line and my reward – quality time with some cute seals

National Run Day 2012

Now this is a made up holiday that I truly enjoy celebrating. Mother’s day. No. Valentine’s day. No. National Run Day. Yes please!

I run to feel a connection to myself and the earth I live on. Every time my foot hits the pavement, the concrete, the trail, and the sand, a small piece of me becomes rooted to my world. Running allows me to connect with myself. It allows me to connect with my friends. It allows me to live and breathe and feel alive.

Today I celebrated national run day with my friends Heidi and Rachael. We meet up for a lunch time run on the boardwalk. Heidi just ran an amazing half marathon on Saturday (read her race report). Her legs are still recovery. I am was thrilled that she was even up for running. Rachael has super speedy legs. I was terrified to run with her. We were three runners of all different paces meeting up to run for fun today. After cranking out a 9:48 minute mile (did I mention they were both pushing their children in their strollers? and I was running kid-less.) and another strong half mile, we took a break. At this point we turned around. To give Heidi and her legs a much deserved break, I took over pushing her one year old cutie Rowan. Holy Smokes. There is a huge difference between pushing Chet and her baby. For the mile and half back to our cars, we took turns pushing.

After talking, learning about the wonderful world of burpees (thanks Rachael!), and owwing and ahhing over their two cute kiddos, I decided to run some more miles. We had just run 3.5 miles, but my legs were feeling good. I knew I had some more in me. The next mile and half surprised me. I most certainly had something left in them.

Mile 1: 9:48

Mile 2: 11:45 (including walk break)

Mile 3: 11:19 (including walk break)

Mile 4: 10:09

Mile 5: 9:08!!!!!!!

Final .15: 1:10

Total: 5.15 miles in 53:21, 10:22 pace

To further celebrate National Run Day, I signed up for the Virginia Beach Rock n Roll Half Marathon. It’s the kick off to three half marathons I plan on running this fall.

Thanks ladies for the great run today!

And….today I rocked a pair of pre-preggo pants for the first time! Woo! A 9:08 mile at the end of a 5 mile run and pre-preggo pants. Now that is worth celebrating!

Read my 2011 National Run Day blog too!

Mental Health Day

Cough. Cough. I’m sick today.

well….not really sick. Just tired. Just in need of some down time. Chet monster woke up 4 times last night and he nursed for at least 15 minutes each time (yay for nursing!). When my alarm went off this morning I felt like I never went to bed. After a whirlwind of a weekend (possibly our busiest weekend so far this year), I decided to declare today a mental health sick day. We have another full week ahead of us, so I needed some mom time, some quality Chet time, some time to make a good meal for my family, some time to let Cole get home from school before he has to rush off to baseball practice. I needed a day to be a stay at home mom.

After slowly moving around the house this morning, Chet and I headed out on our second jogging stroller date. Chet won most improved rider today. I only heard one peep out of him the whole time – only one passy stop was needed. I also knocked over 30 seconds off my mile pace and added on an additional quarter-mile.

Mile 1 – 10:42

Mile 2 – 10:13

Final .51 – 5:40 (including a passy stop)

2.51 miles in 26:34

I am really enjoying running with the stroller. I left my garmin at home. I left my music at home. I just ran and chatted with Chet. I am really proud of my running pace too. I had no idea I would run so “fast” with the stroller. It makes me really excited about what lies ahead of me running strollerless. I’m nowhere near my peak. I can’t wait to chase it down.

After our fun run, Chet came home and NURSED! Midday nursing has been nonexistent for the past week or two. It was so wonderful to know he will come back to it when/if he wants too. He then dozed off on my shoulder. I could snuggle him for hours.

While our weekend was filled with lots of nonstop fun, it is the quiet time, the slow days, the normal daily tasks that give me comfort. I start to unravel when life gets too busy. Mental health days should really be a part of the working world.

And just because I can…seriously. He is so cute! I just love him! Here is another photo of my big smiley bald-headed baby!

Embracing all things baby

I’ve had a few days to digest all the changes that are going on in Chet’s life. How did we get here? How is he not a newborn baby anymore?While he is growing and changing, my brain had not adapted to the reality of Chet’s current life needs. I can not believe we are at the stage in his life where I’m looking up baby food recipes online.

While I desperately want to crawl back to the times of long naps with a baby sleeping on my chest, showers every 3 days, and nightly pacing around the house with a crying baby, I know Chet isn’t moving backwards. I have to live now or when he is one I am going to want to reverse time to the point where I’m introducing foods and he is loving sleeping on his belly.

My body is responding to the extra pumping I’ve been doing all week. I’m setting manageable goals for breast-feeding. Goal #1 – Pump every 3 hours no matter what. Goal #2 – Focus on one month at a time. I know his wants and needs will change as real foods become a part of his life. If I can focus on this month, right now, it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. Right now I want to make it to six months exclusively breast-feeding. Yes. My life will revolve around pumping and breast-feeding for the next month, but I am embracing it. It means that much to me.

Tonight Chet was introduced to the wonderful world of sweet potatoes. I hadn’t planned on making this his first food. I wasn’t even planning on giving him food tonight. We were having sweet potatoes with our dinner, and Chet wanted them. I mashed up a small amount in a bowl, and we played. I feed him with my finger. He feed himself with his hands. His toes got in on the fun too. I made about a teaspoon size amount for him. Who knows how much made it into his mouth. It was absolutely wonderful watching him discover something new. We will continue to play with sweet potatoes for a while before we introduce squash and avocado.

After dinner Christian head out on a late night mountain bike ride. Cole, Chet, Alex and I headed out for a family walk. Baby in a stroller. Dog on his leash. Cole on his bike. We set off to explore the neighborhood. When we got home, Chet was ready for bed. I offered him nursing. He refused. After two ounces in a bottle, I could tell he was restless. He was trying to fall asleep but couldn’t find comfort in his bottle. Again I offered him my breast. This time he latched on. He nursed. HE NURSED. He nursed. He nursed for about fifteen minutes before he fell asleep in my arms. He was so relaxed. He looked so peacefully as he slept in my arms with his hand holding on to my breast.

I love nursing my baby. Not only am I providing him his nutrients to grow and thrive, but I have yet to find another moment in the day when I feel so connected to my baby. In those 15 minutes tonight, I felt him relax. I felt an ease find his body as if it was saying “there you are. I have missed you”. I feel like nursing my baby is setting the foundation for the rest of our relationship together. I hope I can always provide him the peace I saw him find tonight. I hope I can always put him at ease. I hope he never forgets the comfort he finds in his mama’s arms.

Sleep tight sweet baby. Today was everything I needed to feel renewed in my mission to nurse my baby.

Overwhelmed by all things baby

We have so many changes going on right now, I am having a hard time keeping up. I’m having a hard time digesting it all and figuring it all out. Am I over thinking it? Am I too worried? Is one effecting the other? Am I paying enough attention to what Chet is trying to tell me? Letting this little man guide me through his life is definitely teaching me to trust, to listen, to slow down and to relax (or at least to try to do all these things).

Change/Worry #1 – Milk Supply

When I went back to work I had over 150 ounces of milk in our freezer. I now have less than 10 bags. If we keep up at this rate, we might have to start considering formula (and this makes me want to cry. Okay – It has made me cry!). I’ve googled and looked up my favorite websites – Dr. Sears and Kelly Mom. I’m trying to be better about pumping every 3 hours while I’m at work.

Change/Worry #2 – Nursing

Chet continues to reject nursing. There are many things that could be causing it. Teething. My period. Nursing Strike. I will continue to offer it to him and hope that he will come back to it. Right now he will only nurse in the middle of the night (for the past 3 days).

Change/Worry #3 – Milk Supply & Nursing

They go hand in hand. How am I going to get my milk supply to increase if my baby won’t nurse. Is my milk supply low and my baby not nursing because of the hormone changes brought on by my period? Are those little teeth I can spy just beneath his gum effecting him too?

Change/Worry #4 – Introducing Solids

It’s time. I don’t want it to be time, but Chet is exhibiting every telltale sign that he is ready. He tracks our food when he eats. He mimics our mouth gestures. He eats everything (nonfood items) put in front of him. My milk supply isn’t keeping up with his demands.

Just like everything else in the nearly 5 months of Chet’s life, nothing is going according to plan. I had every intention of nursing my baby well passed his first birthday until he naturally weaned himself and after it wasn’t needed for nutrition (someone please tell me this is still possible!). I had planned on introducing solids at some point after his 6 month birthday. I wanted to go straight to whole foods following the baby lead weaning method. Now that he is telling me he is ready now, I’m no longer comfortable with this method. Pureed baby food it is. I still think we are going to skip over the rice cereals. I hope he likes squash this weekend. I never in a million years thought I would ever buy a can of formula, but I don’t know what else to do if I’m not making enough milk.

Since Chet isn’t following my plan, I hope that by following his plan things began to fall into place. I’m hoping that introducing food slowly will cut down on his demand for breast milk. I’m hoping his teeth will come in and my period will go away, and Chet will happily return to nursing. I’m hoping the extra attention to diligently pumping will help increase my milk supply.

And if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough by trying to figure out all the breast milk/nursing/solid food concerns, Chet monster decided to surprise me with another change this morning. Guess who decided to start sleeping on his belly last night? This one makes me smile though. Doesn’t he look cozy?

Tips for surviving all of the above? Suggestions? Hugs? I’ll take them all.