Another beautiful day in Virginia Beach. Another great night of sleep. Chet slept from 8:30pm until 2:30am (and I was smart enough to go to bed by 9:30). He did wake back up at 4:30 to eat some more, but then he slept until 7:30. After our morning feeding and pump session, I headed out to get in a run before Christian had to leave for work.
With dog in tow, I conquered another 3 miles.
Because today was beautiful outside, there were several other runners out this morning. Every time I got passed by someone running, I found myself wanting to tell them that I just had a baby. I wanted to justify my pace. I wanted them to understand why I was walking during that block. I found myself wishing I had a sign on my back that said “This is only my 7th run since having a baby.” I wanted to apologize for my performance. Instead of focusing on the fact that I was out there running regardless of pace, I was focusing on what I used to be before I got pregnant.
It only took until mile 2.75 for me to realize this was a recipe for disaster. I was passed by the same guy for the 2nd time. Excuse me sir. I want you to know I just had a baby. I know you’ve passed me twice (although I have no clue what route you are running), and I use to run almost as fast as you. I’m sorry I’m so slow.
How is it that I forget everything I already know when I put on my running shoes? I’ve become run dumb. Having run the last half of 2011 with a run/walk ratio, my brain is still stuck in run/walk mode. It hasn’t changed gears yet. I haven’t had that moment when things click just yet. Every time I’ve headed out all 7 of my runs since having Chet, I want things to click. They are never going to click if I keep apologizing to everyone who is running around me. I need to quit apologizing, and I need to just keep running.
Today’s running reality check: I’ve only run 7 times since having a baby. It’s okay to be in a different place than I was during marathon training. I need to celebrate that I’m running again. I’m making a little more progress with every run. Every run puts me one day closer to running at my new post-baby running pace. There is no need to apologize!
Today’s run:
Once again my garmin and endomondo were different. Pick your favorite!
Garmin:
Mile 1: 12:00
Mile 2: 12:32
Mile 3: 13:00
Total: 3.01 miles at a pace of 12:31
Endomondo:
Mile 1: 12:12
Mile 2: 12:41
Mile 3: 12:42
Total: 3.16 miles at a 12:38 pace
And guess who is 9 weeks old today!!! This cute baby!
Yesterday marked Chet’s two month birthday. We celebrate in the least fun way possible. Chet went to the doctor for his monthly check-up. He’s now weighing in at 10 lbs 14 oz (50%) and 22.25 inches (25%). Maybe he won’t be taller than the rest of his family. With a short mom and short average dad and tiny brother, Chet wants to feel like he is a part of our family (for now).
Chet also got one shot during this visit. (Yes. We vaccinate. We aren’t as hippy or as granola as you’d expect BUT we do modify the vaccination schedule. With a Graduate Degree in Health Education majority of my course work focused on Public Health. I appreciate and value the invention of vaccinations for major illnesses.) He had a HUGE smile on his face when he got his shot that quickly turned to a squeal. I think I’ll make him cry before his next shot at his next appointment because seeing that smile turn to tears made this mama cry too. That one shot has made my baby boy extra snuggling the past 24 hours. I’ll happily snuggle away.
How can you not snuggle this sweet boy? Happy two months Chet! You sir make our entire family incredibly happy!
And if you don’t believe me that he is getting so big so fast, that time really does fly, and that he isn’t looking like such a baby anymore, take a look at his one month photos.
I tried hard to get him to smile, but I settled for not crying photos! You wouldn’t want your picture taken either if you had just gone to the doctor.
It’s been a rough weekend for me. Lack of sleep and over flowing emotions haven’t done me any favors. Chet has to be going through a growth spurt (please let it be a growth spurt and not a new pattern to his days). He’s eating almost every hour when he is awake. He has been getting one good 4 hour stretch of sleep at night followed by feedings every hour and a half. My milk supply is on overflow.
Take a tired mama and add in the a reality check that I have 2 weeks left of maternity leave and you have a recipe guaranteed to produce a lot of tears. I’m trying hard to not let my sadness about going back to work ruin our last two weeks together, but it caught up to me this morning. I couldn’t stop the tears. While Christian attempted (again and again) to get Chet to like a bottle, I couldn’t stop the tears. After nursing my baby, blowing my nose, and taking a few good inhales and exhales, Christian encouraged me to go running. I reluctantly put on my shoes and headed out in the rain.
Today’s running plan: run until my head and heart felt better
I ran my normal 2.5 mile loop. It was a disaster. I cried. A lot. I didn’t feel like running. I wanted to go home, sit on my couch, snuggle my baby, and cry. I ran some. I walked a little. After 2 miles, I decided to give up and head home.
When I walked in my front door, the dog was sitting next to his leash begging to go with me. Chet was sleeping with Christian. I still didn’t feel better, and I certainly wasn’t needed at home. I headed back out to run some more with the dog in tow.
I ran an additional 3 miles this time. The tears disappeared. I found a peaceful place in my run. Although my pace was nearly the same as the first run, the last 3 miles felt so much better. My mental strength started to return.
I don’t think I’ll ever get to a point where my heart doesn’t feel like its breaking as I get closer to returning to work, but I have to find peace with our reality. I have to work. I have to figure out how to be a working mom again and to survive the heartbreak. I need to keep going until my head and my heart start to feel better.
Going back to work will be, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Cute Baby. Silly Face.
Today’s Runs. I used both my Garmin and Endomondo. Pick which ever one you like best! I’m not sure which one is more accurate. (No running photos thanks to the down pour I ran in today.)
Garmin
Mile 1: 12:21
Mile 2: 13:06
Mile 3: 13:12
Mile 4: 12:31
Mile 5: 12:51
Total: 5.4 miles @ a pace of 12:38 (note to self: turn off watch when you get home)
It’s 10am in our house. Chet’s napping. Cole is off to school. I’ve already ran 2.5 miles. I’ve showered. Now what do I do for the rest of the day? Since it is going to be 80 degrees outside today, I have a feeling we will be venturing outside.
Beautiful day in Virginia Beach
This is not a normal morning in our household. It started off so well today because……..
drum roll please……..
Chet slept for a little more than 6 hours last night! He crashed for the evening around 9:15 last night, and he didn’t wake up until 3:40. Although I didn’t sleep the entire stretch because I had to wake up to check on him a few times, it still felt amazing. I’ve forgotten how productive I can be with sleep.
I felt so good that I put on my running shoes as soon as Cole got on the bus. I left Chet at home with daddy, but I did take our furry baby with me. It was our first run together in a long time. The run felt great. I ran the first mile and a half without walking. Woo! Not bad for my third run post baby. My garmin battery was dead so I don’t have accurate times to tell you. I did using endomondo, but i turn it on long before I start running. I also had to stop for Alex to use the bathroom and to bag it (and to take a picture). The mile splits on endomondo don’t reflect what I really ran (or how good I felt) so I’m ignoring the crappy time!
So happy to be running
Sometimes it’s best to celebrate how good you are feeling instead of over analyzing numbers that don’t reflect actual output. Yes. I’m guilty of over scrutinizing the map and paces listed to try to figure out what I really ran minus the warmup, cooldown, doggy break, and photo shoot. So Silly! At any given point on the map, my running pace ranges from 9:40s to 11:00s. Honestly though, it just felt good to run without walking every few minutes!
Prior to little sleep, lots of feedings, tons of diapers, and the cutest baby smiles, life as a family of three was pretty balanced in our house. I would wake up before work to practice yoga and meditation at home. I could sneak in a run before work or after work since Cole was at school until 6pm. If I needed to do any of those things in the evening or on the weekend, Christian and Cole hung out and gave me my time. Now that Chet is a part of the mix, I still haven’t redefined our family balance in terms of finding time for running, yoga and meditation.
It’s not the diapers or the feedings or even the lack of sleep that keeps me away from those things. It’s me. I could easily leave Chet in his bouncy chair while he’s happy to sneak in a quick yoga practice. I could try to get him to nap somewhere besides the moby wrap. I could put him in the BOB to go for a run. But I don’t want to do any of these things. My heart is happiest when I have my itty bitty baby with me. I don’t want to miss a smile or a laugh (which are slowly starting to form).
Right around Chet’s 4th week of life, I hit a wall. Chet was crying every night for hours. He still wasn’t sleeping for more than 2 hours each night. I felt like I must be doing something wrong. On Chet’s 4th week update, my friend wrote the following comment that changed my entire perception of parenting during the rough patches:
I got through the constant screaming and crying by whispering in her ear constantly “Mommy loves you so much. I promise it won’t be like this always…it’s just for now. And then you will feel SO much better and will laugh and play.” Really, it was my method of maintaining calm by talking myself off a ledge and reminding myself that it truly is just a couple of months out of a lifetime.
Her comment (thank you Jessica!) brought me back to what I already knew in my heart but lost somewhere between Chet’s birth and week 4 of his life. I needed to take everything I love about running, yoga, and meditation and I need to give those gifts to my son. I need to breathe. I need to use positive affirmations to get through the tough stuff. I need to let go of my frustration and give my baby a safe peaceful place to grow. I took the tears and self-doubt I was feeling about myself and turned them into a positive things for Chet. I quit thinking that I can’t make my baby happy. Instead I started telling him that I love him. That it is hard to be baby and to grow so fast. I told him if he needed to cry I would rock and bounce and sway as much as he needed me too. I told him that I was there to support him through his tough journey. I took myself out of the equation and I brought it back to my baby.
It worked. The crying became less stressful. He cried a lot less. I cried a lot less. His crying and my breathing became a form of mediation for me. I started to find peace knowing that I was being Chet’s best mom in that moment.
We didn’t stop there. I took this practice and applied it to our night-time routine. Chet was no longer sleeping comfortably on my chest at night. He was showing signs that he wanted to stretch out and to grunt on his own. He wasn’t sleeping peacefully with me anymore. Although he was getting sleep, I certainly was not. It was time to move Chet into his Moses basket for the evening hours. I placed Chet in his basket. I turned on his musical seahorse. I rocked him (his basket is on a rocking stand). I focused on my breath. We found a rhythm and a pattern in this process. It became calming and relaxing. Chet now sleeps in his basket throughout the night (with a few feeding in between). Chet is sleeping. Mom is sleeping. The moments in between our sleep have now become a peaceful beautiful time with just me and Chet.
Applying this to life with family
Although I haven’t taken time to sit quietly and work on my mediation practice each day, these moments with my baby have become my form of mediation. It rejuvinates my heart. I feel centered and relaxed. I have found the same calm and peace that I normally find in mediating in all these moments with my baby.
This practice is something I want to further explore. As soon as I started breathing with my baby, I knew that there had to be more. I knew that there had to be things I could do to extend these lessons to parenting Cole. There had to be things I could to do to bring them into my relationship with Christian. At the same time I was having these thoughts, another friend was already exploring these ideas with her family. She introduced me to a book called Momfulness. I just received the book in the mail this weekend. Per my friend’s advice, I’m devouring the book on my first read. In one nap, I’ve read nearly half the book. It is everything I’ve been thinking put into practical practice. I plan on exploring each exercise introduced in the book and finding things that work for me and my family.
The best gift I can give myself and my family is being present in each moment I interact with them. This book will allow me to explore my mediation practice while parenting both my boys and while being Christian’s wife. I may not choose to take 10 minutes each day to mediate on my own, but I can certainly find peace in my time with all 3 men in my life.
via pinterest
My friend also blogs about her journey to remain present in her daily life. Go read it. It’s inspiring and motivating.
Kristy Maute 