Kristy Maute

Nerves

Remember when Cole found himself grounded this summer? The only television I allowed him to watch was the Summer Olympics. He quickly became obsessed. He memorized names and statistics and medal counts. He watched every event, and he watched every interview with each athlete. Swimming quickly became his favorite. He was inspired by Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. He was even more inspired by Missy Franklin. She started swimming when she was 8. Cole is 8. During the two weeks of the summer games, Cole decided he wanted to swim in the Olympics. He asked to return to the pool for more swim lessons.

The following week, I signed him up for a two-week Level 3 swim lesson. He thrived in the pool. He left smiling every day. During one of the lessons, another mom told me about the winter swim league. That same night I signed him up. In October, he passed the swim test. Two weeks ago he started swim practice. Today was his time trials – his first swim event.

We left the house this morning with his jammers, his swim cap and his goggles. When we arrived at the Rec Center, things were not the normal routine. Cole started to get anxious. When we walked out on the pool deck, he started to get nervous. When he joined his team for the warmup, he’s doubts got the best of him. He was overwhelmed.

He is definitely my child.

I did my best to find a balance of not encouraging his self-destructive behavior and supporting the emotions he was feeling. It is hard. I can be too soft. Christian can be too hard. Cole can get caught in a downward spiral of negative emotions. He can become insecure and retreat.

I did the only thing I know works for me in these situations. I provided him facts. I tried to remove the unknown from the situation. I explained to him how events work, how he would know what heat he was swimming. We found his coach who explained to him how to line up when it was his turn to swim. When Cole’s first event was called to line up, Christian walked him to the area. He stayed close to provide him support. I smiled from the bleachers while nursing his brother.

And then it was his turn. Into the water he dove. When he got to the other side of the pool, he got a high-five from a timer. He walked back to us. And a smile beamed from inside of him. He wasn’t willing to let it show on his face completely. I did get a pretty awesome half-smile. But he was so proud of himself. All of the anxiety and stress that existed before Cole swam was left in the pool. When it was time to swim his second event, both Christian and I received strict instructions to stay on the bleachers and cheer from afar.

My gentle-spirited, timid, and still crazily ambitious child has come a long way. Two years ago, he wouldn’t jump of the side of the pool. Three years ago, he wouldn’t stick his head under the water. Today he shined in the pool. Two years ago, he would have crumbled when faced with a new scenario. Today he worked through it. He acknowledge how he was feeling, he accepted support, and he swam. It has taken me thirty years to learn this life lesson.

I’m one proud mama..

Celebrating Ten Months

Double Digits! Chet turn 10 months on November 5th.

Official Weigh-in:

15 lbs 10 oz

28 inches long

This child of mine, he is an animal. He’s crazy. Seriously. He is a wild child. He loves to wrestle (and pull hair and bite). He loves to tackle and be tackled. He loves to be thrown around and knocked over. He’s a brut. And he’s mean (in the best possible way). He loves to be tossed in the air and flipped upside down. Anyone sitting on the floor is fair game. He will want to wrestle. His favorite game: playing catch. He loves to throw and catch the ball and will do it for hours. He also loves to chase the ball all over the house. He’ll hit it and chase it. Hit it and chase it. The only time he is calm and quiet is when we go outside or when he’s wrapped up in the Moby wrap ready for a nap (still huge Moby wrap fans in our house!).

As his crazy wild personality continues to develop, he also continues to check things off the development checklist. He’s waving and using it appropriately. He plays Indian with his mouth (wahawaha). He’s a dancing machine. And he is standing. I keep expecting him to say “look mom. no hands”. He’s ditched army crawling completely and is super speedy on his knees. He’s conquered the stairs. He is nice enough to stop at step #2 to make sure we are chasing him.

He’s talking up a storm. Mama. Papa (in a whisper). oooof (woof). Ba (ball) and his new favorite. CaCa (Cole Cole). It’s so cute to see him using words appropriately too.

Food continues to progress. I’m feeding him whatever we are eating now. If I don’t he is sure to sit at my feet and beg. We are still sticking with whole foods and organic (mostly), and nothing is off-limits anymore. I’m trying to add more flavors and more textures. He was getting bored with plain veggies and rice. This months favorites include turkey, broccoli, cheese, and waffles. I’ve also added coconut oil to his meals (substitute for butter and other oils). Thank you Vegan Mama for the wonderful recommendation to help encourage weight gain. It’s a huge hit in our house, and his weight is increasing!

Breast feeding is still going strong too. It seems to have completely balanced itself out. Although I’m not putting much in the freezer, I’m not taking much out either. He isn’t very interested in the bottle when he is with my mom during the day. Instead he nurses a lot in the evenings and into the late night hours. No. He still isn’t sleeping.

Life with a double-digit baby is fun. It’s busy. I can’t turn my head for a second, but watching his crazy personality bloom is such a wonderful experience.

Oh – and he’s teething! note the drool in the pictures below. He still only has the 4 teeth that popped through in his 5th month, but I think we have a few on the way.

Want to see how he has grown? Check out…

Raw. And Heavy.

Today’s run plan: 13.1 miles even though I wasn’t officially running the Richmond half-marathon.

Compared to last week, I got a full night of sleep (bed at 10:30, nursed at 12:15, nursed at 2:30, nursed at 5:45, up at 6:15). Yes folks, that is considered a good night of sleep in my house. Maybe I could beat my half-marathon PR on my run.

I drove down the oceanfront to follow last weeks plan: 7ish mile loop, meet up with Heidi, and run 6 more.

As I started my run, my legs felt heavy. Really? My hips were stiff. My body wouldn’t open up and run. So I opted for a comfortable run. Whatever my garmin said, I just wanted to run easy. As each mile passed, I kept waiting and hoping my body would warm up. I kept hoping my legs would lose some of the extra weight they were holding on to, but it never happened.

The more I settled into my run, the more I felt my body releasing the emotional weight it seems to be holding on to a lot these days. The past few weeks (or maybe it’s been months) have been hard. I feel like I’m carrying around a tiny piece of sadness with me each day. Around mile 2, I tried to find a place for my sadness. What is sitting on me so heavily.

I still struggle with being a working mom. My heart constantly aches to be at home. As I explored these feelings of sadness, I kept finding myself smiling. Every time I thought about why I wanted to be home, I thought of Chet and all his crazy behaviors. I thought of him laughing and dancing. I thought of him wrestling with his brother and his dog. I thought of his hand claps and his waving. Even though I long to be a stay at home mom, I am so lucky to be experiencing this new chapter of life.

I am still struggling to really connect to the emotions I’m feeling about all the cancer that is surrounding our family lately. My father-in-law’s battle has been such a roller coast lately. Hospital visits. Trial drugs. Pain management. And then there is my amazingly strong wonderful aunt (better described as a sister). She is fighting breast cancer that has spread. And continues to spread. As new tumors continue to surface in her brain, she is choosing to have full brain radiation. The doctors have given her six months to live, and she still made this hard choice for herself and I can only imagine her family.

And just this week, my cousin is having to say goodbye to her father. Unexpected. A heart attack while out hunting.

It’s all a bit too much. All of my emotions feeling a bit fragment and a bit displaced. And so at mile two when I found myself feeling a bit sad and heavy, I allowed myself to sink into a comfortable spot. I allowed myself to settle into cruise control. The emotions came like waves: Inspiration drawn from the people I love fighting real life struggles and sadness for things I can’t control. Somewhere between mile two and mile six, the emotions settle somewhere inside of me. The rawness left only to return on another day as I continue to process it all. At mile six, I began to smile. My running partner was waiting for me at mile seven.

As soon as I saw Heidi, I felt a new surge of energy. The next six miles were filled with conversation and comfort. I’d forgotten how much I’ve loved having a training partner over the past few months. For a girl who loves solitude and self-reliance, and for a girl who has always struggled to trust support systems, it feels amazing to recognize that I’ve grown to depend on them in my life.

Week two of marathon training is now checked off my training plan. Ever single run ran according to plan. Easy 3. Speed Work (5x400s). Tempo Run. 13.1 miles.

13.1 miles exploring emotions and realizing that in spite of the sadness, I truly love this journey. I love that I have running as a moment in my week to process. I love that I have friends to rely on. I love that I have family who makes it all worth it. I love that I’m at a place in my life that I finally know how to trust and how to experience sadness without (completely) shutting down. Running might be the best gift I’ve ever given myself.

And I love that my comfortable (up until mile 11) run was ran in 2:16:50 – 2:05 shy of a PR. Hello Marathon Training!

259901_10151126940168240_215835966_n — Rudee Inlet at Mile 2

Huge CONGRATS to all my friends who ran Richmond today!!!!

Running on Empty

Today, my first official day of marathon training, was supposed to start differently. I had planned to run a 7ish mile loop as the sun woke up. I then planned on meeting Heidi for an addition 4ish miles since her knee is still healing. We were going to enjoy a coffee after our run.

When my alarm clock went off at 5:30am, I still hadn’t gone to bed. Not officially. I crawled into bed at 5:45am for two incredibly short hours of sleep.

Chet is sick. Again. He has caught the nasty cold Cole has been fighting all week. He was up all night coughing and wheezing. Any time I laid him in his crib, he cried. He couldn’t breath. He wasn’t sleeping. He could only get comfortable in my arms. So I moved back and forth from the chair in his room to an upright seated position in my bed all night long. Christian helped as best he could, but Chet wanted his mama.

As I attempted to open my eyes at 7:45, Christian told me we could find time for me to run this afternoon. I knew I could head out while Chet took his morning nap.

At noon Chet finally settled in for his “morning” nap. I could have taken a nap too. I was struggling with the simplest of tasks already. But today was day 1. Friday night I wrote on this blog that every weekend I’d be running double digits. Do I already back out of a run?

I had every true legitimate excuse not to run today. I probably should have napped. But my missed run would have haunted me. I would have regretted not trying. So I put on my shoes. I grabbed the dog leash. I headed out for a few miles with the dog. Since he is out of shape, I knew I couldn’t go very far with him. We ran 4.5 miles before I brought him home. I have never been so tired. I have never had so little energy to lift my legs to run. I could barely keep my eyes open.

I ate a few grapes, dropped off the dog, and headed out again. Every weekend I will be running double digits. My own words were haunting me. I could get to 10. It might be ugly, but I could do it. I wanted 10 more than I’ve wanted anything on a run in a long time. I haven’t run double digits since the my half marathon a month ago. My one planned 12 miler got cut short by a stomach virus and throwing up at mile 3. So I kept going.

At mile 6, I thought I might tip over. Is it possible to sleep run? My eyes were so heavy. At mile 7, I started to get giddy (or delusional). I had less than a 5k to go. At mile 8, I wanted to crawl home. At mile 9, I just wanted a shower and my bed. Sweet mile 10. I made it home. I hit double digits. Not 10.01. Not 9.99. Exactly 10.00.

59398_10151117643228240_25755393_n — Thankful for pretty views to keep me going

10 miles. 1:42:15. 10:13 pace (4 seconds faster than my half marathon PR). My last mile was my fastest mile (10:03 pace).

While I probably should have napped, I’m so glad I ran. If I can do that with no fuel in my tank, I’m pretty excited about the rest of my long runs.

Now let’s just hope Chet sleeps tonight (or I will really be wishing I napped).

And now it’s my bedtime too.

And Here I Go Again

Some how running has saturated my blog lately. I swear I have more going on, but running has really become my focus lately. After much thought (and review of our family budget), I’ve decided not to run the Richmond half marathon next weekend. I’ve met and exceeded all of my goals for fall racing. Although I really do believe I have another PR in my legs right now for the Richmond race, I’m going to use all of that energy and plow ahead into training for a full marathon.

For the next four plus months, expect a lot of posts about crying in the middle of long runs. Expect a very anxious Kristy as I tackle 18 miles (the last run I completed last time I trained for this marathon before I got injured).

I am so ready to start this process. I am so ready to work towards this goal of mine again. I am so ready. From now until March 17th, I will be running double digits every single weekend. Because I’m starting my training a little sooner than the typical 20 week training plans, I’ve built in a lot of fall back weeks. I’m trying to eliminate as many possibilities for stress fractures as possible.

And because I’m completely type A, I’ve designed my training plan to include a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan A is for weeks when life falls into place. Plan B is for when life gets crazy. Plan A includes very specific runs: hills, speed work, tempo runs, and easy runs. Plan B is basic mileage. I hope to follow Plan A because right now I’m craving more structured run workouts, but I know I need an easy option as Cole starts swim, Chet becomes crazy, and Christian continues to commute for work. So Plan B is there just in case.

I’ve also schedule two days of strength and two days of yoga. And as always, I will squeeze in as much yoga as I can.

So here I go again. Marathon attempt take 2. I have one goal right now. Cross the finish line injury free. Training starts tomorrow with 11 or so miles.