Kristy Maute

Mending

When Cole returned from his dad’s house on January 2, he brought with him a fever and the flu. As soon as Cole was healthy, Chet rapidly started to decline. Although he didn’t test positive for anything, he had a fever for days. He stayed in my arms from Sunday through Wednesday. As Chet’s health improved, Christian’s body started to fall apart. Somehow in this mess, I stayed healthy physically. Mentally I was tired from nursing my family back to health for almost two weeks. And my running took a back seat. When my baby is sick, I can’t leave him. When he only finds comfort in my arms, running disappears from my thought process.

This is how I spent all of Sunday – Wednesday (most nights included too)

So I missed my 17 mile run last weekend.

No big deal. I planned on running 17 or 18 this weekend, and I’d just keep moving on with my plan.

And then my calf started acting funny. My soleus muscle (based on my own self-diagnosis) is irritated. It ached Thursday night. Friday it was sore all day. I decided to take the advice of a friend, and I decide it was best for me to ignore my training plan. I need to not let a number on a piece of paper dictate my training.

On to the next plan. I decided to just run a long run today to ease my way back into training. Not 17 or 18, but I wanted double digits. I ended up running 11 miles with my friend Heidi. My calf didn’t hurt, but it was very tight. I stopped to stretch a few times. I tortured myself with an ice bath. I’ve been wearing compression sleeves all day. Right now it doesn’t hurt, but it is very tender to the touch.

Gloomy morning but the ducks were happy — Gloomy morning but the geese were happy

I’m going to very carefully moving forward. I’ve reworked my training plan (and I’m very thankful I made my schedule with wiggle room). If all goes well, I’ll run 17 next weekend.

While this run (and my lack of run last weekend) didn’t leave me feeling inspired at my core, it’s reminding me that an ONLY 11 mile run is still 11 miles. I need to respect the mileage even if it is a fall back week. It’s showing me just how far I’ve come with my ability to let things go because I’m not freaking out. And most importantly, it’s nice to really let go of running during moments when I need to be a mom 100% of the day.

I’m icing, compressing, and moving forward with my training plan. The boys are healthy, my calf will feel better, and we are back to normal.

Vulnerability

These are the words I’m choosing to live by….

This week I’ve been on the receiving end of a wonderful gift. Someone reached out to me. Someone who according to the dots that connect us in this world should probably not be my friend. She called me through tears as a way to reach out to someone who has been there. I was so touched by the phone call. I was so moved by the vulnerability in her voice. She wasn’t afraid to expose herself to me, a stranger. She wasn’t afraid to ask questions and absorb all that could be offered.

I have so much to learn. I could never do what she did – not yet anyways. I still haven’t mastered how to be completely exposed to the world. Remember my vulnerability issues during child-birth class? I’m still working on trusting support systems.

As Christian and I continue down this very emotional path, I’m realizing I need to be more like my new friend. I need to reach out when I need it. I need to be vulnerable so I can heal and grow. I need that vulnerability right now more than ever. It will bring me all the love I need. And I really need to be surrounded by love right now.

That same night I talked with my friend on the phone, I sat and watched this TEDtalk on vulnerability. So inspiring. So relevent. So true.

But there’s another way. […] To let ourselves be seen; deeply seen, vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee. […] To practice gratitude and joy, in those moments of kind of terror, when we’re wondering, ‘Can I love you this much, can I believe in this this passionately, can I be this fierce about this?’ Just to be able to stop and […] to say, ‘I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.’ And the last, which I think is probably the most important: is to believe that we’re enough. ~ Brene Brown

These words left an imprint on my heart. A connection with a new friend left a lasting impression on my approach to the world. There are days I feel lost in tears and overwhelmed by the world. Those days I feel like I’m cracking. At the same time I feel like I’m cracking, I also feel like I’m about to spill over with excitement for where my life is headed. I feel so alive. I feel like light inside of me is starting to glow.

Maybe, just maybe, those cracks are what I need to let my light shine from the inside out.

This is why…

Thursday afternoon the emotions I’ve been holding on to so tightly the past few months started to unravel. I found myself in a parking lot on the side of the road with tears pouring down my face. I called my husband, but I couldn’t talk. Already in my running clothes, I decided to run. My favorite motto: Run until you feel better. As I went to get out of the car, another text message lit up my phone. More unraveling and more tears instantly found me. I reminded myself to breathe, I got out of the car, and I set out to run. I made it a block before my husband called again. We shared a few more tears, and I kept going.

A little over four miles into my run, I reached the end of the boardwalk. I wanted to keep running north. Turning around seemed like the hard choice. Returning back to my car to face the news that waited for me seemed impossible. I paused. I sat in the sand. I reminded myself to breathe again. Inhale. Exhale. Then I did something I haven’t done in years. I ran in the sand back towards my car. I ran right along the shore line. Why don’t I do this all the time? The ocean was a magnet. I wanted to crawl inside the waves for comfort. Had it been summer, I think I would have dove in. The rhythm of the waves washed away my sadness. The ocean wrapped its arms around me. It gave me the push I needed to go home. It guided me back to where I belong. It stopped me from running away.

The run didn’t cure my sadness. It certainly didn’t dry up my tears, but it allowed me refocus my energy. As I ran beside the ocean, I kept thinking to myself This is why…

This is why life is important. This is why it matters that we all share the light inside of us. This is why it matters that we do everything possible to make sure our light shines. This is why it’s important to choose happiness, to choose love, and to give love. Always. We don’t know when it will all end. As cliché as it may sound, we have to embrace each day. This is why it matters. This is why I run. This is why I’m choosing to ignore negativity, to quit being afraid of truly blossoming into myself, and to glow. This is why I’m making sure I choose love over silly arguments with my husband. This is why I am choosing laughter over nagging with my children. This is why I will always carve out time in the day for myself. It give me time to fill myself up, so I can give love every day.

“And like those waters among the wooden piers, a flood of thoughts came o’er me that filled my eyes with tears” ~ Longfellow

I’ve decided that 2013 is my year to shine. When you set intentions for your life, they find you. Opportunities to put your intentions into practice will show up on your door step. Every choice I am making this year will be about shining. They will be about sharing love. They will be about embracing life. They will be about sharing the good in me with the world.

I can’t cure cancer. I can’t give my aunt more time with her boys. I can’t help my father-in-law fight the cancer that continues to spread through his body. But every morning I can wake up. I can choose to honor myself. I can choose to share love. I can do my best to be something positive for my family.

This is why it is important to let our light shine.

1

Yesterday our baby boy celebrated his first birthday. The big 1. We had to modify our birthday plans since his big brother had the flu. We rescheduled the family dinner for next weekend, but we couldn’t let the day go by without enjoying every second with Chet. He woke up to a new car (the last time that will happen on his birthday!). His grandma and grandpa stopped by to drop off a fun tunnel. I made all his favorite foods.

The plan for his party was to have a snowman party. Chet is obsessed with balls, so what better way to celebrate his birthday than with snowball fight. I found an indoor snowball set – seriously the coolest thing ever – and our family laughed until our sides ached as we attacked each other with snowballs in the living room.

The day ended with some yummy carrot cake cupcakes. Chet was so full from eat two huge portions at dinner, he wasn’t very interested. He ended up throwing it at his brother (maybe the snowballs were a bad idea!). After a quick bath, he fell asleep on the way to his crib.

Happy happy birthday Chet Christian. You are such a source of joy in our lives. You are full of life, full of smiles, and full of energy. Every single day you teach me the importance of giving love. You have taught me how to be selfless, you have taught me that I’m strong, and you have shown me how important it is to love every single moment.

1! 1 amazing boy! 1 amazing year! We love you Chet!

Resolve to Shine

Welcome 2013. A new year. A fresh start. A new beginning. For so many New Year’s Day symbolizes a new beginning. Since I feel like I’ve already begun, I prefer to view today as a day to polish. I don’t want to go back and start over, but I can always use a little fine tuning.

Every year tends to embrace a theme in my life. 2012 was about learning to let go. 2013…I have a feeling this year is going to teach me to shine. It’s a year to embrace who I am. It’s a year to find confidence to glow in every situation.

The light in me honors the light in you.

This common Buddhist greeting really wraps its arms around how I want to live my life. I try to see the good in everyone. I try to find good in every situation. I trust that people’s intentions are true and honest. Even when different, I respect others beliefs, hopes, dreams, and truths because I believe all people act according to what they believe is best. The light in me honors their light.

I’ve been missing a piece of the puzzle though. In my attempt to always honor the light in others, I tend to let my light go dim when I’m surrounded by people who have different beliefs then my own. I tend to shy away from conversations that I think will put me in a position to be judged for my opinions by others. I have no problem sharing myself with my husband, with friends who are like-minded, on my blog, but in real life and unfamiliar environments I get quiet. Why? I’m not sure. But starting today I’m going to make an attempt to let my light shine always.

All of my intentions are good. Everything I do, everything I believe in, everything I try to teach my children stems from love – a love for myself, a love for my family, a love for my community, and a love for my planet. These things should always shine.

The past few weeks I’ve really become aware of this behavior in myself. I’ve found myself in a room full of people and not voicing my thoughts because they were different from the majority. I’ve grown socially awkward because I’m afraid to share. I’m afraid that voicing my thoughts will cause another person to shy away from their own.

But I’ve also found myself in situations where I’ve shared and blossomed. Running with my friend last weekend – someone I haven’t seen in over a decade – had me wondering if we would connect over those 13 miles or would we be ready for conversation to end at mile 5. Instead of shying away (which is my natural tendency) I opened up and shared. The give and take in the conversation was so refreshing. The result was 13 fabulous miles that instantly erased years of missed time. I left that run feeling a little more alive. While emailing with a very dear friend, she openly shared herself and her opinions about getting married, having children, and growing as a family. Her confidence was so refreshing. Her light shined through.

I’m ready to let my light shine always. Different or the same, if we all honor ourselves and our values while respecting the values of others our world can be a pretty amazing place.

And yes…..the song, This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna let it Shine is playing in my head as I write this post.

Let it shine.

Cheers to 2013.